


What Is and Not What Should Be

by Gigi_Sinclair



Series: You Can't Blame Gravity [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 04:50:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6142042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gigi_Sinclair/pseuds/Gigi_Sinclair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Companion piece to "You Can't Blame Gravity (For Falling in Love.)" Kylo Ren/Ben Solo is home, but he can't--and isn't willing--to put the past behind him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Is and Not What Should Be

**Author's Note:**

> Small mention of the non-canonical death of a canon character. Scroll to the bottom for a spoiler if you're concerned about that sort of thing. 
> 
> Both titles are from quotations by Albert Einstein.

The restaurant had large windows and a half-hearted sports decor. Old uniforms from crashball teams and holograms of famous limmie players decorated the walls, beneath holoscreens playing some sport Kylo Ren couldn't identify. He hated sports. He hated restaurants, as well. He knew that intellectually, but, as with everything lately, he couldn't bring himself to actually feel it. 

“This looks lovely, don't you think, Ben?” Tamyn, the small, blue-skinned empath across from him, looked up from her menu and smiled. She was good at that. She was very good, in fact, at pretending to be Kylo's friend, rather than a professional counsellor mandated by the court and selected by General Organa. “What would you like for lunch?”

“It doesn't matter.”

Tamyn's smile didn't waver. “It's all right. You deserve to enjoy life. You're a good person.”

 _Like fuck_ , Kylo thought, but he was getting used to hearing it. 

“It wasn't your fault.” “You didn't do it.” “You weren't in control.” They'd said those words over and over, flooding his ears with them since the moment he came back. There was another word, too, that everyone seemed to favour when talking about him: victim. He'd been Snoke's victim. He'd been the First Order's victim. He'd even been the victim, it seemed, of an apparently hereditary susceptibility toward the Dark Side.

Kylo didn't believe any of it. He wasn't that far gone, but he was dazed. The final confrontation with Snoke had left him burnt out, mentally and physically. The energy it took to finish the Supreme Leader, the final wave of outrage—tantrum, Hux would have called it, trivializing everything as usual—had swept through Kylo like nothing before, leaving him drained and pliant. He let them take him back. He let his mother embrace him and call him “Ben.” He let them give him dull, plebeian clothes to wear, and he let them cut his hair. He even went out daily with Tamyn, for walks and cups of caf. He didn't ask her whether she thought he was damaged. Everyone knew the answer to that. She was meant to find out whether he was damaged enough not to lose his life for what he'd done. It didn't matter to him. 

“What about the spicy Gargon gumbo?” Tamyn suggested, gently. Kylo shrugged. He was about to tell Tamyn to order for him when the screen behind her switched abruptly from the game to a man in a studio. 

“Breaking news,” the newscaster said, a studiously serious look on his face. “General Brendol Hux, former commander of the First Order flagship and creator of Starkiller, has been taken alive.” The restaurant stopped, all heads turning. “We go now to the scene.” 

Another reporter appeared on the screen. Kylo couldn't breathe. “We're told the General and several of his officers were captured in a hideout here, in these mountains, and without any exchange of fire. We can only speculate as to what...Hold on, they're coming out now.” The picture shifted and, suddenly, there he was, manacled and sandwiched between two Resistance fighters. 

He looked awful. It had been two months since Kylo had seen him—only two months?—but he looked as if he'd been living rough for much longer than that. Hux's hair was ragged, his face covered by an unkempt beard, a large red welt over one eye. Kylo's stomach seized at the thought of someone hitting Hux, but as the camera swung closer, he saw it looked more like an infected insect bite. Hux hated insects. Kylo remembered him commenting, in some moment of uncharacteristic small talk, that was one of the reasons he liked working in space.

“General Hux!” The reporter called. “Do you have anything to say?” 

Hux was terrified. Kylo thought he could feel it, but they were so far apart, it was probably just his imagination. On-screen, Hux drew himself up and looked at the reporter defiantly. 

_Stop._ The word appeared in Kylo's mind out of nowhere, materializing from nothing. _Stop. Don't. Don't say what you want to, Hux, don't say anything. It won't help._

Again, it was unlikely Hux heard Kylo, but he kept his mouth shut. The Resistance soldiers moved him along, and Phasma was dragged up behind him, her hands bound and her helmet nowhere in sight. She wasn't quiet. She was, in fact, cursing creatively enough for the holochannel to cut quickly back to the newscaster. “There you have it,” he said. “General Brendol Hux and several of his officers, captured alive and in the custody of the New Republic at this hour.” 

Kylo didn't know who started it. It could have been the old man sitting at the bar, or the family with the young children in the booth in the corner. Someone clapped. Then someone else, then someone else, until it snowballed into full-blown, thunderous applause.

Rage gathered deep in Kylo, in the way that had once been familiar. No matter how much he meditated, no matter how hard he worked, he could never contain his anger when it spiralled, as it threatened to do now, mounting higher and higher inside him. He hadn't felt like this since he was in Snoke's fortress, his uncle dead and his cousin wounded, standing over the body of the creature who had promised him everything but who had turned out to be nothing.

Kylo's breathing grew shallow. The edges of his vision turned red. Who were these worthless beings, these maggots who had the nerve to cheer Hux being brought low? Hux, a man who was worth so much more than any of them, who had accomplished more than any of them had ever dreamed? Kylo gripped the edge of the table, ready to flip it over in fury. 

_Stop._ It was so sudden and clear, Kylo thought Tamyn must have said it, but she was still, watching him carefully. The word was borne of his own mind, just like the sentiment he'd tried to send across the light years to Hux. _Don't. Don't do it._

Kylo stood up, abruptly knocking his knees on the underside of the table. The glasses shook. This time, Tamyn did speak. “Ben, why don't you sit...”

“I have to go.” He was in control of himself, just barely. He was self-aware enough to know the thread could snap at any moment. “Now.”

“All right. I'll come with you.”

He didn't wait for her. He turned and strode out of the restaurant, feeling alive for the first time in weeks. 

Leia Organa no longer lived in Ben Solo's childhood home. It was stupid to even think she might, really, but it still jarred Kylo to go into her small, sunny apartment in the city centre and find her working in the dining room, her things spread across the table. At home, in the big suburban house where he'd grown up, Leia's study had been large, well-stocked and sacrosanct. 

“Ben.” Leia looked up as he came in. “Tamyn called. She said you were upset.” Of course she had. 

Leia was afraid when Kylo was around. He'd sensed it the moment they met again, even though he knew she was trying to conceal it. Not afraid he would hurt her—why not?—but afraid _he_ was hurt, suffering in a way no one could fix. 

“I need to see General Hux.” 

Leia hesitated. Hesitation was not what Kylo wanted. He clenched his fists, hard enough to bring a stab of pain, and grasped at straws. “Please.”

Leia looked sad. He knew she wished he would call her Mom, or at least Leia, something, but he hadn't been able to call her anything. “They're not your friends, Ben.”

“Of course not.” The idea was ridiculous, but naturally, Leia didn't understand. Kylo sighed and breathed deeply, trying to push the anger out of his body and, with it, the mental image of Hux being dragged in front of the cameras like a captured animal. “Hux and I were...” Even now, he couldn't bring himself to say _fucking_ to her. “Together. At times.” Many times, although strangely fewer than Kylo would have liked.

Leia was horrified. She couldn't keep it off her face, never mind out of her thoughts. “Whatever they forced you to do...”

“No one forced me to do anything! Nothing!” 

“They did, Ben.” That was a tone he recognized. It was the firm decree of his mother, the one that brooked no argument, invited no discussion. No, he couldn't stay up an hour past his bedtime. No, he couldn't have ice cream if he didn't eat his vegetables. No, he could never have his own life away from her, and his father, and their stupid fucking Resistance. “And in any case, it doesn't matter. You aren't allowed to leave the city, never mind the planet. You've got your own trial to worry about.” 

“I don't care about that.” The blood pounded in Kylo's head. He couldn't be here a second longer. He couldn't stand her condescension, her baseless judgments. He stormed out of the room, but she was right. There was nowhere to go. He barged into the guest bedroom. He didn't have to see her, even if the apartment was too small to escape her thoughts. 

_I have to believe it._ Leia wasn't trying to transmit the thought to him, but it was so loud, she may as well have been screaming. _Ben would never have...slept with that man unless it was rape. He would never have killed his father unless he was brainwashed._

“I'm not Ben!” He slammed the door. A pastoral scene of rural Alderaan fell off the wall and smashed on the tiled floor beside him. 

***

Kylo could absolutely not lose his temper with the judge, the opposing lawyers, witnesses, or anybody in the courtroom. His own lawyers told him that so many times, he nearly lost his temper with _them_ , but he fought back and regained control of himself. He wasn't stupid. He had to see Hux again, he was desperate for it, and that wasn't going to happen if Kylo was in prison, or dead. 

The first day of the trial, all the courtroom benches were full, with many more spectators gathered in the foyer of the justice hall to watch on screens. Kylo couldn't believe that many people cared about him. “You're General Organa's only son,” his head lawyer explained. So that was it, then. They didn't care about him at all. 

Leia was there, of course, sitting in the front row in full uniform. Rey sat beside her, radiating support for Kylo in spite of all they'd been through. The traitor Stormtrooper was there, as well, radiating support for Rey and the hope this would all be over with quickly. Beside him was someone Kylo had never thought to see again. 

Chewbacca had been Ben Solo's surrogate uncle. Closer than his own uncle, in fact, a friend from the day he was born until Kylo left home. As Kylo came into the courtroom, Chewbacca looked him in the eye. 

“I am here for your mother.” He spoke quietly for a Wookiee, which was still loudly enough that everyone in the place turned to look. “You will never be forgiven.” Kylo wouldn't have expected anything different. “But,” Chewbacca added, “you are still my cub.”

It was the stupidest thing Kylo had ever heard. So stupid, in fact, that the ridiculousness of it barged past all his mental barriers, carefully erected to keep him from feeling anything during the trial, and a sob escaped him. Tears followed, pouring down Kylo's cheeks as he gulped for air like a dying fish. His lawyer smiled and passed him a handkerchief. “We request a short delay of proceedings.” The lawyer was practically clapping his hands with glee. Apparently, rage was the only emotion Kylo was forbidden from expressing. “Our client requires a moment to compose himself.” The lawyer clapped Kylo on the back, as if he'd done it on purpose, and led him out of the room again.

The trial dragged on, day after day. For the most part, it was painfully boring, even to Kylo, who, he supposed, should have been taking some active interest. Instead, he thought about Hux. There had been no further news, although he searched for it constantly. Kylo didn't know where Hux was or how he was being treated, but he wasn't about to make the mistake of asking Leia for help again.

On the fourth day, Rey was called to the stand. She, a woman well on her way to being one of the most powerful Jedi ever to exist, fidgeted nervously and shot a small, tight smile towards Kylo as she recounted that final battle in Snoke's fortress. Kylo would have been happy never to relive it. He gripped the handkerchief his lawyers now made him carry like some sort of theatrical prop, and forced himself to listen. 

“After a lengthy fight, your master, Luke Skywalker, was killed, was he not?” The lawyer asked Rey. _Master_ , Kylo remarked. Not _Father._

“Yes.” 

“And you were gravely wounded.”

Rey nodded. “Yes, that's right.” For a moment, he thought she was going to lift up her tunic and show the courtroom the scar across her stomach, like a kid showing off a scab. 

“And what did Mr. Solo do then?” 

“He went mad.” She was as breathless as she'd been that day, her eyes wide with admiration. _I don't deserve it_ , Kylo thought. _Really._ “I mean, Ben killed Snoke.” 

It was true, but not for the reasons she thought, or the reasons the lawyers wanted the judge to believe. Kylo hadn't done it to protect Rey, or to avenge Luke. He'd done it because he realized, in a clear flash of light, that Snoke was worthless. 

Hux had seen it first. He'd started to lose faith weeks earlier, but Kylo was more reluctant. Blinder. They'd both invested a lot in Snoke, but Kylo had been with him for most of his life, had counted on him to fulfill his deepest dreams. Had believed, with everything he had, that Snoke was capable of doing that. Kylo knew Snoke needed him, needed both of them. That was why Snoke allowed Hux and Kylo to defy him by developing a personal relationship. He couldn't kill them for it, like Hux thought he might, but Kylo still believed Snoke could do something for them, that he offered at least as much in return as Hux and Kylo gave him. 

He didn't. Snoke was an expert liar, and a master manipulator, but he possessed no deep wisdom. He'd been able to work himself into the head of a child and keep that child loyal, but he wasn't the insightful master he claimed to be. He couldn't even train Kylo to channel his strong emotions into a useful form. Snoke had used them, but he couldn't help them. He couldn't save the crumbling First Order, and he couldn't make Kylo into Darth Vader. He didn't know how.

The rage had washed over him, wave after wave of it, and Kylo let it. Snoke had been weakened by Rey and Luke, but he tried to put up a fight. It was pointless. Kylo threw everything at him, all the years of wasted time and pent-up frustration, and demolished him. As he lay dying, Snoke looked up at Kylo, a sneer on his ugly face. 

“The dog has teeth after all,” he wheezed, and Kylo sliced his head off. Then, too exhausted to even stand, he crawled to lie beside Rey. Barely conscious, she took his hand. _Thank you_ , she thought at him. 

Kylo would have told her the truth, then. In that moment, he wanted to, to spill it all out like blood until it soaked the filthy floor beneath them: that he was selfish, that he wasn't a hero, that he'd done this for himself, and maybe for Hux, but not for anyone else. The moment shattered, disappearing when the wooden door was blasted open and the Resistance pilot Poe Dameron appeared, taking in the scene before him with horror on his face. “Oh, shit,” he said, and Kylo passed out. 

The judge found Kylo not responsible for his actions. 

It wasn't the same as being found innocent, the lawyers took pains to explain, but he wasn't going to be executed, and he wasn't going to jail. He had to live with Leia, he couldn't go off world alone, and he had to work with the cohort of younglings Rey was forming, to teach them the error of his ways and ensure none of them followed his destructive path. All of that sounded like hell, but Kylo didn't care. He would still be free, relatively, and that meant he could do something for Hux. 

When they arrived home from the courthouse for the last time, there was a meal laid out on Leia's table. 

“I called the cook when you were with your lawyers,” she explained, hanging up her coat in the hall. “I thought we could have a celebratory feast. Rey apologizes she couldn't be here. She and Finn had plans. She'll see you soon, she said.” 

Kylo hovered in the dining room door. He was hungry, he couldn't deny it. The final day of the trial had been too busy to break for lunch, and the food smelled delicious. Leia looked at him for a long moment, then moved past him to sit at the table. She piled a plate high with Sizhranian lettuce salad and Roba steak. When he couldn't wait any longer, Kylo joined her, sitting at the far end of the long table. 

“I'm glad Rey has Finn,” Leia said, pouring him a glass of emerald wine. Kylo couldn't agree less. He put a small forkful of salad on his plate, and took a bun from the warming tray. “When I was young,” Leia went on, “you couldn't be a Jedi and have a family. I had to choose. Your uncle Luke had to choose, too.” Kylo knew that. It was why Rey hadn't known her family—and they hadn't known Rey—until so recently. “It's different now. Better.” Kylo took a bite of the salad. It was amazing, of course. Leia always hired the best people. “Who knows, Ben. In time, maybe you could find someone, and...”

“I have someone.” Maybe. Kylo didn't know where they stood. He didn't even know if he would see Hux again, but that was irrelevant. 

If Leia was disturbed by Kylo's interruption, or dismayed or disgusted, she didn't show it. Instead, she held out the platter of succulent Roba steaks. “Have some. It was always your favourite.” _How would you know? You were never home for dinner._ But Kylo didn't say it aloud. 

Hux's trial started a week later. There was no chance Kylo might miss it. If his trial had been big news, then Hux's was a media frenzy. Entire holochannels were devoted to covering it. Kylo watched the live stream for eight hours every day, willing Hux to feel his presence there beside him. After court was finished for the day, Kylo spent the evening watching analyses and interviews, occasionally tearing one of Leia's cushions to shreds when a so-called “expert” started spouting utterly false information about Hux's “immoral nature” or “blind desire for god-like powers.” Hux wasn't blind, and he wasn't immoral. His morality just didn't line up with most people's. It was what made him unique. And attractive.

“Ben!” Leia called, as she came in the apartment one evening. Kylo was tempted to ignore her. He was in the middle of watching the most sympathetic interview he'd seen, with a pundit who claimed Brendol Hux Senior had made Hux what he was (true, in Kylo's mind, at least in large part, although Hux himself wasn't so keen to admit it.) Instead, he paused the projection and emerged from his bedroom. Leia smiled. “Ah, there you are. Busy day?” 

“No.” There had been no significant progress in the trial, and a three hour sidebar while the lawyers argued the precise nature of various legal definitions. It wasn't what Leia meant, Kylo knew that, but he didn't know what she did mean. She knew how he spent his days. 

“Would you like to join me for dinner? Smells like the cook made fringe cake for dessert.” Kylo hesitated. “We can eat in front of the holoprojector,” Leia continued. “You're not a kid anymore.” It wasn't a good idea. Still, he'd been in his room for a long time. “I'll get the plates,” Leia said, as if he'd already agreed. 

Leia didn't say anything as they ate. The sympathetic pundit gave way to courtroom highlights from the past three days. Leia watched silently, wiping her mouth delicately on her napkin as traitor after traitor—peons Kylo didn't even recognize, although many claimed to have been aboard the _Finalizer_ —lined up to tell the galaxy what an evil martinet Hux was. As the projection broke for an advertisement, Leia picked up her glass and said, “He's very presentable.”

“What?”

“General Hux. He's well turned out.” 

She was right. Hux was not in his First Order uniform—probably on the advice of lawyers, Kylo thought, knowing what he now did about them—but he'd been in court every day in a crisp shirt and knife-creased pants, his shoes mirror-shined just as his boots had always been. Hux's beard was shaved and his hair cut. He was thinner than usual, his face gaunt and deep black circles beneath his eyes, but he was still a handsome man. Kylo had never expected anyone else to admit as much, let alone Leia. 

Leia took a long drink of wine. It was hard for her to continue, physically difficult. Kylo could sense that, but she pushed through it. “Did he ever take you anywhere?”

“What?” 

“Did you go places? Date?” Her voice faltered a bit on the last word, like she was trying not to gag. Kylo was too stunned to be offended. 

“No. It wasn't like that.” The idea of he and Hux strolling about the _Finalizer_ hand-in-hand, gazing at the stars or sharing a romantic dinner in the officers' mess, was so insane it actually made him smile. 

“But you like him.” 

Kylo expected to sense anger from her, along with revulsion, but he didn't. She was genuinely trying to understand what he could see in this man in the blaster-proof prisoner's box. 

“I love him.” He'd never said the words before, not even in his own mind, but once they were out, Kylo realized how accurate they were. _We're the same_ , he added, in his head, not sure whether Leia would hear him or not. Not sure whether he wanted her to.

She sighed and put down her glass. “I would never have wanted someone like that for you. But then, I can only guess what my adoptive parents would have thought of Han.” A twinge of something flared in Kylo's stomach at the mention of his father. He ignored it. “When you were young,” Leia went on, the shadow of smile coming to her lips, “Han and I used to joke about you bringing home an Imperial guard one day. Well, I said guard. Your father didn't think you'd settle for anything less than Emperor.” 

The trial returned, showing more testimony against Hux that Kylo had seen a dozen times already. Leia held out the bottle and, without asking, refilled Kylo's glass. 

That night, Kylo couldn't sleep. This was nothing new. As he lay in the dark, listening to the ceaseless traffic on the streets below, he thought about Hux. Instead of worrying about him, though, or trying to send his presence across the distance to the prison, Kylo remembered one night aboard the _Finalizer._

They'd been fucking for several weeks already. There was no other way to describe it. Hux made it plain at every turn that he did not want any emotional involvement, and, most of the time, Kylo agreed. Occasionally, though, the weakness Kylo could not seem to escape—that the "all-powerful" Snoke could not help him to banish, even after all this time—bled through and he would let a hand linger too long on Hux's back, a gaze linger too long on Hux's face. Then, Hux would flee like a scalded womp rat, pulling on his gloves and fastening the last few buttons of his uniform as he was already halfway out the door. _Too fast for someone who doesn't feel anything_ , Kylo had thought, but it gave him no joy to do so. Hux was right. That was a dangerous direction to take. They had to steer clear of it.

Which was why Kylo was so surprised when Hux arrived at his door one night, bottle in hand and top button already undone. For Hux, this was the equivalent of stumbling down the hall half-dressed. As Kylo stared, he held up the bottle and said, “Drink?”

“I don't have any glasses.” Even the so-called "unbreakable" type never seemed to last long around him.

“Of course you don't.” Hux came in and sat on Kylo's bed, leaning against the studded headboard. “We can swig from the bottle like a couple of common foot soldiers. Although I doubt they would have such a fine vintage.” Hux looked at him. “Have a seat.” 

It could be a trap, Kylo thought. The bottle wasn't full, which meant Hux had probably already started. Why? What was he expecting? Was this something to do with Snoke? 

Still, it was Kylo's room, and he wasn't going to stand by the door like an idiot. He sat beside Hux, leaving a wide berth between them. Hux opened the bottle and took a long drink. Kylo looked at him, watching at the motions of his throat until Hux wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and passed over the bottle. “It's Brendol's birthday,” Hux said, as Kylo sniffed at the liquor. For a moment, Kylo thought he was talking about himself, although speaking in the third person was not an affectation Hux had ever shown before. “May he never rest in peace, the son-of-a-bitch.” 

Hux's father, then. Kylo took a drink. Too large of a drink, apparently. It scorched its way down his throat to his stomach. He wasn't about to let Hux know that. He stifled a cough and handed the bottle back. If Hux noticed Kylo's eyes watering, he didn't say so, and he would definitely have said something if he'd noticed. 

“He liked paying for it,” Hux said. “Nobody seems to remember that, although everybody knew at the time.” Paying for what? Kylo disliked confusion. It made him anxious, and anxiety made him angry. “I shouldn't complain too much, though. That's why I'm here,” Hux added. 

Kylo frowned, trying to piece together this strange conversation. Hux passed back the bottle and, fortunately, spelled it out before Kylo had to guess. “My mother was a prostitute. And he never let me forget it, either, even though he took me in and gave me to his wife like some fucked up birthday present.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” It was a genuine question. Kylo had no idea. 

Hux looked at him for a moment, then held out his hand for the bottle. Kylo passed it back without drinking. “Damned if I know. Who were your parents? A droid and a Bantha?” 

“I don't have parents.” 

“What, you sprung fully formed from Snoke's forehead?” 

“Yes.” He had. Snoke had named him, Snoke had made him what he was, and Snoke was going to let him fulfill Ben Solo's true family legacy. 

Hux looked at him. Lust was beginning to build inside him, Kylo could feel it. He'd felt it, at a low level, ever since he'd first shown Hux his face. It amused Kylo, for a while, to think that Hux hated him and wanted him at he same time, and to know Hux would never admit it, even to himself. It had ceased to be amusing when Hux showed up at Kylo's quarters one night, radiating desire like a sun, more strongly than Kylo had ever felt. More strongly than he'd ever expected to feel pointed in his direction. He'd taken advantage of it. He couldn't help himself. 

Hux set the bottle down on the floor. “So, are we going to fuck?” 

Kylo wasn't in a hurry. If there was more Hux wanted to tell him, more he wanted to share about Brendol Hux or his childhood or anything, Kylo was willing to listen. There was more. Kylo could sense it, a huge, complicated knot of desperation and resentment and pain hovering in Hux's mind, tethered to his father's name. But apparently, Hux was finished talking. 

In the morning, long after Hux had gone, Kylo found the bottle overturned beside the bed. A puddle of sticky Corsucant brandy had spread across the floor. Kylo cleaned it up himself. He didn't want the sanitation crew in his room. 

***

In the final days of Hux's trial, most of Leia's ornaments and decorations discreetly disappeared from the apartment. Kylo didn't know where she hid them, but she needn't have bothered. When the verdict came down, Kylo's mind went blank. He waited, expecting the usual onslaught of rage, but it didn't come. It wasn't like in the courtroom, where Chewbacca's sentimentality had replaced the usual fury with another overpowering emotion. It was more like after Snoke's death, when Kylo felt nothing but numb. 

Leia put her arms around him, embracing him as they sat on the sofa. Someone had turned off the holoprojector as soon as soon as the word “Death” was uttered. He assumed it was her. He didn't remember doing it. 

“I have to see him.” Kylo's voice sounded strange even to his own ears. Not his own.

“I know. I'll arrange something. I'm so sorry." A pause. "Kylo.” Kylo put up his arms. His mother was much smaller than he'd remembered, a fragile creature next to his huge, lanky body. _So am I, Mom_. He knew through the haze that she could hear him, and he knew she understood. 

Rey had a ship. 

“Where did you get it?” Kylo asked, as they came up to it. It was nothing much, at least a few decades old, larger than a fighter but not as big as a standard shuttle. 

“Scrap yard. I've been fixing it up.”

“When do you have time for that?”

“Here and there. It's no _Millennium Falcon_...” She stopped suddenly, as if she shouldn't have mentioned the name. 

Kylo was long past caring about anything like that, and he had much bigger problems on his mind. He reached for the ladder, when the hatch opened and the traitor Stormtrooper popped his head out. 

“Finn wanted to come with us,” Rey said. Kylo didn't need to ask why. Suspicion surrounded the man like an aura. He hated Kylo, he distrusted Kylo, and he thought he would somehow be able to protect Rey if Kylo turned against her. _You couldn't last time_ , Kylo thought at him. _But she doesn't need you anyway. Have you seen my face?_ Finn just stepped back to let Kylo and Rey into the hatch.

Any hopes Kylo might have had of a peaceful voyage were dashed the second Rey took off. Kylo was in the front, he'd made sure of that, sitting next to Rey while Finn was in the passenger's seat behind them. “I don't know why you want to visit that crazy bastard,” Finn said, in an almost friendly tone. “You guys were always fighting like dogs on the _Finalizer._ We used to have bets on whether you'd end up killing each other or...fucking...each...other...”

“Finn!” Rey broke in, brightly. “Why don't you watch a holovid? I put some headphones in the black case back there.”

“Right. Sure. Good idea.” He stood up to rifle through the case. Kylo kept his eyes on the stars. 

Of course, Finn chose the most irritating holovid possible, evidently some comedy that had him guffawing every minute. The desire to choke him rose in Kylo, piercing through the fog lingering in his mind. He clenched his fists. Rey looked over at him. 

“Do you want to fly her?” 

“Me?”

“Why not? Chewie told me you were a good pilot.” 

“I haven't done it in a long time.”

“So why not try now?” 

Rey slid over, passing him the controls. She stayed near, pointing out features and idiosyncrasies with pride. It was a good ship. Easy to fly. Intuitive. And the weapons system was top-notch. “Why?” Kylo asked.

Rey shrugged. “You never know.” He understood that. It was why he'd hidden his light saber—the one he wasn't supposed to have anymore—in the bottom of his bag before he left home. 

Rey smiled, resting a hand on his arm. She wanted to say something, Kylo could sense it. He waited and sure enough, a moment later she took a deep breath. “None of us understand why you're attached to that man. But,” Rey carried on quickly, not leaving Kylo room to interject, “we don't have to. Where I grew up, you learned pretty quick how to mind your own business.”

Finn laughed again. Kylo sighed, suddenly very tired. “You wouldn't be so...” He reached for the word. Understanding? Forgiving? Good? “You wouldn't feel the way you do if you really knew me, Rey.” 

“I do know you. I could always read you better than you could read me, Ben. You think you killed Snoke because he let you down. Because he couldn't save Hux and because he couldn't make you what you wanted to be.” 

“I killed Snoke because he was useless and weak.”

“He killed Luke. He nearly killed me. He nearly killed you. But you won, for us. When it came down to it, you were on our side.” She truly believed that. Kylo shook his head. She was just a little girl. “It must be hard staying so naive.” The words sounded harsher than he'd intended. In a way, he envied her.

“It's easier than trying to be evil,” Rey said, and took back the controls. 

***

The prison was smaller than Kylo had anticipated. He'd expected a windowless grey monolith stretching into the sky. Instead, the prison was a mere five storeys tall, made of some reddish local stone. If not for the heavy artillery in the turrets and the armed ships on the courtyard, it could almost have been mistaken for some bureaucratic office building. 

“You can't use the Force,” Rey said, as they stepped through the gate. She'd gone ahead, leaving Finn and Kylo to sit in the ship in uncomfortable silence. After a seemingly interminable amount of time, she'd returned, escorted by a droid with a blaster. 

“What?”

“That was the condition. You can see him, but you have to speak with him normally. And if anyone gets...overwrought, we have to leave.”

“This is going to be great,” Finn muttered. Rey shot him a look, then took Kylo's hand. 

“Come on. They're going to bring him down for us.” 

The visitor's room wasn't one room but two, separated by a pane of thick transparisteel. Kylo was disappointed by that. He wasn't sure why. It wasn't as if he and Hux were going to embrace in full view of the guards, Rey and Finn, but it would have been nice to at least be close to him. 

He looked well enough. Thinner even than he'd appeared during his trial, but not sickly-looking. _Clearly_ , Kylo thought, bitterly, _they believe in keeping their prisoners healthy before they kill them._

Mentally, though, Hux wasn't faring so well. As soon as his eyes met Kylo's, Kylo was subsumed by a flood of Hux's emotions. Fear, resentment, humiliation, but also, strangely, relief. Relief Kylo was there, that they would see each other one last time. Relief that Kylo wasn't going to suffer the way he was even if, in Hux's estimation, Kylo deserved all that and worse. 

Kylo's stomach shifted uncomfortably at the sensation. He sat on the ridiculous little stool in front of the window and pressed the button that allowed him to be heard on the other side of the window. 

“Hello, Hux.” 

Hux looked at Rey and Finn. “What are they doing here?”

“They wouldn't let me come alone.” Leia hadn't trusted herself to be in the same room as Hux. She'd covered it up with some flimsy excuse about having to prepare for an important meeting, but Kylo knew. 

“Why did you come at all?” Aboard the _Finalizer_ , Kylo had become adept at judging when Hux was truly angry and when the anger was a mask for something else. It was a mask now, but Hux would never let himself display his terror in front of others. He probably wouldn't have let himself display it even if he and Kylo had been alone. 

“I wanted to see you again.”

“Ah. Well, in that case, here I am.” He held out his hands. 

This was no good. They couldn't speak honestly like this. Ignoring Rey's instructions, Kylo reached out to Hux with his mind. _Are they taking care of you?_ The barriers in Hux's mind flew into place, slamming down like durasteel doors and forcefully ejecting Kylo. It never worked, not really. With time, Kylo could always work himself back in again, but they didn't have time now. 

Hux made sure of that, pressing the button on his side and staring at Kylo defiantly as he said, “What do you care?”

“He's doing it!” Finn yelped. “That weird mind shit. Rey, you have to stop him.” 

“Ben.” 

Kylo looked back at her. “Rey, please.”

“You can't. It's not up to me, those are the rules. I'm really sorry.” She looked at Hux, pity on her face.

It was guaranteed to set him off, and it did. “If that's all, I have better ways to spend my remaining...eighteen hours of life, so I think I'll say good-bye.” 

Emotion welled up in Kylo again. Not the usual storm, the deluge of raw feeling that overwhelmed him and pushed him into rash decisions and uncontrollable fits, but a softer emotion, more subtle. He was just sad. Embarrassingly, it brought tears to his eyes. Hux saw them before he could wipe them away. “I'm sorry,” Kylo said. For everything, but most specifically for this, for making their last encounter so terrible.

“For what? You got away. I'm happy for you.”

 _I love you._ The words were out before Kylo could stop them, flung so forcefully at Hux that he had no choice but to receive them. Kylo knew he had when Hux abruptly stood. “Think of me at 0900 tomorrow.” He cast a look at Rey. “Provided you people are punctual, of course.” That was it. He was gone. 

“Well,” Finn said, as Hux disappeared through a door. “That was fun.” Rey elbowed him in the ribs. Kylo ignored them. 

He had to do something. It was obvious. He didn't know why he hadn't thought of it before. He was a knight of Ren, the grandson of Darth Vader. He wasn't a victim, no matter what the galaxy thought. He didn't sit back and wait for help to arrive, he took control of matters himself. He'd overcome Snoke, and he would overcome this. He would save Hux. They would be on the run, at least until the New Republic fell, but that didn't matter. They would be together, or Kylo would die trying. What was there left for him, if Hux was dead?

 _Be calm._ The voice was back, the one that had kept him under intermittent control since he'd returned to life in that awful sports restaurant. _You have to think._ Tactics had never been Kylo's strong suit, as Hux would have been all too happy to point out, but he didn't have a choice. As they reached Rey's ship, Kylo said, “Why don't we stay on planet for a while?” 

Rey shook her head. “I think we should go home.”

Kylo pressed on. “You and Finn should have a look around. Neither of you have had much chance to travel. We could stay overnight.”

Suspicion crossed Rey's face. Kylo forced himself to breathe deeply, to keep his mind blank but not too blank. That would have been equally damning. “I don't know, Ben. You probably shouldn't be here when...” 

“We can leave in the morning, before it happens.” 

“Your mother is waiting for us.” 

_My mother would have risked her life to save my father. She did._ The realization hit Kylo so hard, he could see it reflected in Rey's eyes. _Shit._ Kylo's mind raced. He had to fix this, somehow.

“I saw some hot springs on the way over,” Finn said, oblivious. “With a great little hotel nearby. I'd love to take a look.” Kylo could have kissed him. Finn looked over suddenly, and Kylo wondered if he'd projected that too loudly, as well. _Get it under control_ , he snapped at himself. Finn cleared his throat and looked away. “I mean, if you want to come too, man, I guess that's fine, but I gotta say...”

“No.” There was no time to be repulsed. “I can drop you off now, and pick you up in the morning.” 

Rey wavered, a little, but she needed something more to convince her. _Come on, you idiot._ Kylo cursed himself. _You were with Snoke for years, you must have learned something about manipulation._ “It sounds like a very romantic place,” Kylo said, contriving a tear. It wasn't hard. “You have to take these moments when you have them, Rey. You never know when you might regret it.” He swallowed hard, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip. For a moment, he worried it was overkill, but if Rey suspected anything, she didn't let on. 

Although she did sigh, the long-suffering sound of someone far older than she was. “Are you really sure?”

“I'm sure.” He'd never been more sure of anything. He'd never felt anything more deeply.

When Rey continued, her voice was odd, strangely resigned. “You'll need to be careful with my ship. You know I'm very attached to her. Particularly the weapons systems. You said yourself, they're very good.” She glanced at the ships docked in the prison yard. “Maybe even good enough to take out those guards, if someone could gain enough inside knowledge of the prison to catch them completely by surprise.” 

“Right! Great! Let's go!” Finn clapped his hands together and hoisted himself up the ladder. Kylo hesitated. Rey was thinking something, he could tell, but her mind was shut to him, locked down more securely than Hux's ever was. She smiled, a little sadly, and moved forward to kiss Kylo on the cheek. Her lips rested briefly on the scar she'd given him. _Come on_ , she thought, rather than said. _I'll let you practice steering._

Kylo followed her into the ship, a plan already forming in his mind. 

**Author's Note:**

> **Mention of Luke Skywalker being killed by Snoke. Snoke also dies.**
> 
> I'm manitoba-sauce-cake.tumblr.com, but to be honest, I don't post much.


End file.
